Weekend Reflection
As a spiritual mentor, one of my priorities when I engage with others is to be a conscious and kind listener. It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with, listening with my heart is key.
I've been thinking ... and realizing how important it is for bloggers to listen—really listen—to one another with attention and intention. Not just to read the words upon the page, but hear the whisperings of someone's heart.
In fact, this has become so important to me that a request for "sacred listening" is housed within one of the prayers I say when using my beads:
"We invoke your name in order to practice listening with all our attention and openheartedness. We will sit and listen without prejudice. We will sit and listen without judging or reacting. We will sit and listen in order to understand. We will sit and listen so attentively we will be able to hear what the other person is saying and also what is being left unsaid. We know that by listening deeply we already alleviate a great deal of pain and suffering in the other person."
~Thich Nhat Hanh, Chanting from the Heart
~Thich Nhat Hanh, Chanting from the Heart
How about you?
What kind of listener are you? Do you believe listening can relieve suffering?
Do you ever think about how well you are listening or responding to other people's blog posts?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this ...
Have a joy-filled weekend!
What kind of listener are you? Do you believe listening can relieve suffering?
Do you ever think about how well you are listening or responding to other people's blog posts?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this ...
Have a joy-filled weekend!
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23 comments:
Jan, this is such an interesting post, especially related to blogging. It is easy to skim a post and comment just for the sake of it, and I know I have been guilty of this at times. But how much more valuable to really take it in, and absorb the potential lessons the person has to offer, or the differing points of view. This has actually been an unexpected gift of blogging for me personally - exploring points of view different from my own, not just finding a community of like-minded people (although that has been a gift also.)
I was also thinking about listening in relation to the idea of transmission - that we each transmit a kind of grace or wisdom beyond words, and the only way to connect to that from someone else is to really tune in - another level of listening. Thx for some great weekend musings...
This was wonderful, once again. I especially loved the "Chanting from the Heart." Thank you for that.
:0)
I do try to listen to the unsaid words, as well as the said words. As a result I find that I'm sometimes overthinking what I'm reading or hearing.
It makes me sad when some people are in too much of a hurry to post a comment on a blog, that they have obviously not really read the post. Sometimes they miss an important point about the post, or even the entire blog. I hope my comments are relevant, and don't cause anyone any distress. I have wondered about this. (So many blogs, so little time. . .)
I think we are all in such a hurry, trying to get too many things (some unimportant) accomplished, that to really sit and take the time to read or listen closely has become a luxury. Yet we all want to be heard.
I do believe that listening can relieve suffering. Why else would so many people seek out therapists, friends, and even strangers to pour their hearts out to?
Sometimes just hearing yourself say the words that rattle around in your head helps you to feel better. Having someone really hear you, not judge you, and just be there is sometimes all it takes to feel better.
I hope you have a joy-filled weekend, too!
You pose a great question here... I do try to listen with intention. It's not always easy...but it's so important. I can tell when someone is NOT listening and it hurts a little. Like what I say is not important. So I remember that and do my best to tune in...
Great reminder about listening. I attended a daylong mindfulness retreat at Spirit Rock on mindfulness for therapists and those in the healing profession. One teacher spoke of being about 70% present with ourselves and about 30% with the client. I came to realize it is impprtant to be aware of what is going on inside me as I am listening to a patient, as well as my own thoughts and emotions as they speak and share.
Empathetic listening is SO IMPORTANT. It is especially important when we are trying to fix what is occuring for another or ourselves, but allow what is present to be. THis is so challenging for me in short office visits, but I am trying...
I believe I am becoming a better listener in the past year of spiritual growth and development. I used to just think of what I wanted to say next while the other person was talking instead of hearing what they were saying. Now I try to listen with full attention and then respond thoughtfully after they've finished speaking, even if it take a little silence between exchanges, I think that's good too.
You are a great listener, Jan, in addition to your great writing and speaking. You inspire me as you teach.
I agree. What you describe is what I know as Active Listening. Coming not from a place of "I agree", or "I disagree", but from a place of receptive hearing without judgement.
I'd like to think that I do that well, most of the time. There are times though when I'm in a hurry and don't give someone the time or attention they need. I don't like to be dismissive of anyone, so I do my best to keep those times to a minimum.
Being raised in a violent home, I am quite good at 'reading' people. It was a survival mechanism I developed early. I find sometimes, I'll hear someone tell me 'how they are' and then, when they're finished speaking, I'll ask them "How are you really?" It will often take them aback and they'll tell me what's really going on for them, under all the glossing over.
I believe that no one really wants to be fixed. We all just want to be heard.
Blessings to you,
Carolynn
P.S. Thank you for hearing me so well all these past few months. You are a blessing in my life. Truly.
Jan,
I love the prayer from Chanting with the Heart! Thank you!
I am an active listener, always have been. I learn so much from truly listening, and I believe the person speaking knows the difference between mindfulness and wandering minds. Perhaps that is part of why my friends would describle me as comforting and kind. I can hear past the words they are sharing to the gist of what they are feeling. Kind of neat. Can also be quite a responsibility if what they are sharing is heavy so I've learned to just listen and be proactive with emotion--such as compassionate and kind-- not reactive such as frustrated or upset myself. If I find that while I am listening what I hear is what the person speaking is not yet ready for, I am compassionate and only share with them what they can process.
I find many people don't listen, so it is comforting and refreshing when people do! As far as blogs, I take to heart the message and use it all for inspiration, humor, learning..and if I'm tired or too emotional over something I've read I end my session and come back to it later.
Lisa,
I, too, am guilty of skimming on occasion--to find the point, make a comment, and move on. I am trying more and more to sit slowly with a post, to really savor that person's effort in creating it. As you say, this is a gift of blogging, along with being exposed to so many points of view; receiving them without angst and cultivating compassion and appreciation for our differences. Who woulda thought...My experience of you, Lisa, is that you are a very conscientious listener. :-)
Angela,
Overthinking--that is a good way to put it. :-) And, yes, sometimes we move so fast we glom onto a detail that catches our fancy, but miss the tender heart of it. May we all be more mindful and kind...Like you, I believe the simple act of listening may be one of the greatest gifts we can give another. Everyone wants to be heard...
(You have the gift of inner listening. :-)
Caroline,
You are a soulful listener, my friend, as is everyone who has posted here thus far. :-) Aren't we lucky! I sense that the more "work" each of us has done on this path, the more openhearted (and open-eared!) we can be...
Mermaid,
I am so happy to hear that in your profession one of YOUR top priorities is empathetic listening. May we be "here" as completely as we can to one another. Healing does happen when can provide that sacred presence for another. And we access greater healing for ourselves too! I am sure your patients are grateful that you are their doc and that you have a heart for listening!
Julie,
I am so happy to hear that you have become more mindful about listening. And I like your choice of this very important word: "respond." So often we just "react" with words. Responding is so key. I like to ask myself this question, "What might be my kindest response?" It works miracles...
Carolynn,
It is true that someone raised in an abusive or dysfunctional learns to read people very well and base their responses on the reactions of others. I am so glad that you have grown through this and have blossomed into a lovely listener. For that you are...
Being somewhat new to actually participating on a blog, I'm embarrassed to say this was the first time it ever occurred to me that there is a responsibility that also comes with being a reader of a blog. That reading a blog IS like sitting with someone and listening to them. Thank you and everyone who posted here for giving me the wonderful revelation that this wonderful font of wisdom (Jan's blog) is actually a participatory, two-way street.
For years I thought I was a good listener simply because I didn't interrupt. Then I realized there is so much more to it than that--as Lisa says, "the only way to connect...is to really tune in." I like that phrase. Julie Gs description of herself also fits me with regard to thinking of what I wanted to say next instead really hearing what was being said. I also like her use of the word "respond."
I do believe listening can relieve suffering and that thought motivates me to continue to grow in this area. Thanks for this reminder and it will indeed be my 'weekend reflection.'
Your post really makes me stop and think about how I read9listen)as well as how I respond to posts. I usually try to "really listen to one another with attention and intention". I try to put my heart and soul into my reading as well as my response as I know, words do matter. Therefore I try to choose them carefully and from an open heart. What I consider as from the heart, meaningful, respectful, may not be interpreted by the reader the same as my meaning or intent.
Most recently,I've written a poem for an Inter faith Holocaust Education course and in my mind wrote it thoughtfully and respectful of readers of all ages and faiths. However when one of my Jewish friends read it, they took issue with the way I worded some things. I wasn't as sensitive with my words as I thought I'd been. I tried to be actively, mindfully present and listened to the comments made. After some mindful and thoughtful listening, I hope to come up with another more globally sensitive re-write.
Blogs do require the same sensitivity and care as if we are talking and listening face to face. "Sacred Listening" is wonderful. I will use use it as one of my prayers as well. (Thank You)
I always learn so much when I stop her to visit. You are such a mindful listener that I tend to stay and ramble on. And may I add you are such a good hostess. Thank you again for your hospitality. Love and Light, Nina P
this is such a poignant post
my thoughts regarding listening and blogging:
even though we are not sitting face to face with our blog friend
listening to them utter words
we are experiencing their blog
which i believe is a window to their heart
this can be the most powerful kind of listening
Joy,
Beautiful sharing. What you describe to me sounds like 'non-anxious' presence. That is what you provide to dear ones. To be able to do that is a gift, and one it sounds like you are using well. Don't we all need people around us who can simply listen and not jump in to give advice or vent their emotional take on it?
A very good suggestion to hold your words, too, when feeling overwhelmed when reading a blog. My approach too. If I can't give it the proper time, I will usually return...
Rebecca,
Well, I am so happy to hear that this post shed new light on blogging for you. Cool! It is something all of us can reconsider, esp. if we have been blogging for a while and may take it for granted. So many heartfelt revelations to be found in this world of posts...
Nina,
Thank you for sharing your experience about what happened with the words you chose for the poem. And I commend your openheartedness at hearing what your Jewish friend had to say. Compassion, yes! I would love to read your poem someday. Did you post it on your blog, I wonder?
Thank you for the kind thoughts on me and this blog. I do hope I am a mindful listener. Though I do have my moments where impatience rings through. Just ask my daughter. (LOL!) Ah, the parenting of a teen...
Susan,
You have restated my thoughts (and the thoughts of others here) with perfection. To connect in this way, I believe, is an act of entrustment. We tend the holy in one another...
Marvelous dahling! We were given two ears, only one mouth. I think the Creator had something in mind here, don't you? And your reference to how we read other blogs is priceless. It is so often a giveaway when the comments don't match up to what is written - and sad.
To answer your query on whether listening can be healing, I really believe it is when it done by the listener if they are fully present. Sometimes that's a big if!
Thank you so much for writing about something so very important - I really mean that!
Jan,I so appreciate this post. It has not only given me a wonderful chant to refer back to, but has also given me the opportunity to thank you for the wonderful "listening" comments you left on my blog. Your presence and comments were more than welcome.
Due to recent circumstances my ears have been open to not only the words of others,but also the words hidden underneath life experiences and the benevolence that has embraced me during a difficult time.
Your blog is wonderful place of peace. I will look forward to travelling back here again with great pleasure.
Namaste
Kathy (Fifth Wondrous Place)
SuZen,
Love your humor, here. Yes, I have often thought about that: 1 mouth, 2 ears. Which might we wish to use more often? Glad to hear that this post spoke to your heart. I sense you are a good listener, too!
Kathy,
Welcome! So glad you stopped by. I am heartened to hear that you have become more aware (of late) of what beats in the heart of someone, devoid of expression. That is a powerful gift. Though I do think women are quite attuned to deeper listening because we must "feel" our way through what our babies, friends, & loved ones need. Because they do not or are not often capable of doing so. Our sense of being able to discern "what lies beneath" in others may be innate, as well as cultivated (in my humble opinion anyway). Sounds like yours is blossoming! :-) Be well...
Your post made me really think about what kind of listener I am. With blogging I try to be attentive to what the blogger is actually saying. I try to "listen" for the unwritten words. But sometimes I have to read something again and again before I am able to appreciate it fully.
Where I fail to be a good listener is when the subject matter amounts to chit-chat, when it has no depth as if it is being written or said just to fill up the moments. That's when I usually tune out the person.
I met a woman for the first time a couple of weekends ago at a birhday party. She was quite the talker, but she really had some interesting things to say. I was utterly fascinated by what she was telling me and I could not stop asking her probing questions. I was listening without judging too. We hit it off so well that when I had to leave the party, she gave me this big hug. Kindred spirits we were!
I like your prayer about listening. I will try harder to be a good listener.
Excellent post Jan.
Sometimes I think listening is one of the hardest things to do, because we so often get it wrong.
Listening, really listening, is the highest form of courtesy! It is an essential part of being a good communicator but it is a skill that is perilously close to becoming extinct. As more and more of our communication becomes visual and text driven, i.e. Internet, text and computers we are forgetting how to listen.
I do try to listen with an open heart and and open mind especially with blogging and take my time to read each post thoroughly before commenting.
Namaste
Peggy
SusieQ,
Your response is to appreciated. Your honesty about listening is something all of us can aspire to. I am sure you are a very kind and open listener. Like you, I tend to drift off when I sense someone is just filling up space with words. That invites me to compassion. If I am mindful, I draw upon that and listen as best I can. There is always room for growth in each of us. Your "lady" sounds most interesting...:-)
Peggy,
I like how you align listening with courtesy. To me, it can also feel like an act of hospitality. I also appreciate what you say about forgetting how to listen, with all the noise, technology, news, and TV blaring. Now seems like a very good time in our "history" to resurrect heartfelt listening...And you are a kind listener as well. :-)
Hi Jan,
When I was initiated and was seriously considering becoming a nun in an Eastern order, listening was not my strong point. I had so much chatter in my head, that to even hear my own inner voice was a challenge.
As my meditation practice got better and deeper, the chatter kind of died down and listening became so much easier even though I never did become a nun.
I have come to notice and believe that people give themselves away if you pay attention.
So now whenever I talk to someone or read a post, I truly try to give it my all.
By the way, I loved the passage from Thich Nhat Hanh. Thank you for sharing it with us. :)
Hello Nadia,
Welcome and thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your thoughtful response and was especially struck by your statement that people give themselves away when you pay attention. How true! It seems to come down to how badly we all need to be heard; to have our life stories and paths affirmed, accepted, embraced—just as we are.
I'd love to learn more about your journey into almost becoming a nun. :-) And I am so happy to hear that you have found great joy and peace in listening...
Hi Jan .. yes I do believe we should all be listening more and be more empathetic to the words being said - we do rush through life somewhat.
I've learnt through the community bloggers - who are absolutely great - there is that rapport and understanding .. we each seem to relate with some, if not all, and have an understanding of where we are at .. it's an amazing thing and an ideal that others definitely do not or cannot understand - until they experience our luck .. I'm grateful to you all that I connect with and connect with me ..
Thanks Jan for your kindness today across at my blog .. I appreciate the support I get here and elsewhere .. you're all special people.
All the best Hilary Melton-Butcher
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Jan, thank you for your compassionate listening. Yes, listening can heal suffering, and sometimes it is the only thing that helps because there is no other action to be taken. It is a gift to be heard. I will often return to read a blog post a second, or even third, time before I make a comment because I want to be sure I have "heard" what was said. I have had the good fortune to meet wonderful listeners through the comments on my blog.
Hilary,
I hope things are evening out for you and that you are taking good care of you. Yes, I do think most bloggers (at least the ones I know) are very good, understanding listeners. May we all be kind...
Sharon,
I do the same. I may read a post through, then return later to read it with fresh eyes, then offer a comment. If I don't comment, often I just do a metta prayer for that person. :-) Kindness matters...
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