How to Love a Child

As a supporter of WOW-Women on Writing,  I am happy to be participating in "Family Relationship's Day." It's a mass blogging!

And why family relationships? We're celebrating the release of a debut novel by Therese Walsh, The Last Will of Moira Leahy, (Random House, October 2009) Her book is about a mysterious journey that helps a woman learn more about herself and her twin, whom she lost when they were teenagers. Visit The Muffin to read what Therese has to say about family relationships and view the list of all my blogging buddies. And make sure you visit Therese's website (http://www.theresewalsh.com) to find out more about the author.

In the meantime, here's my contribution, something I am passionate about: Conscious Parenting. It's a reflection on how my parents raised me and how I've attempted to raise my own children—with great love through listening. I hope you enjoy it!

How to Love A Child

My parents were good listeners. If any of us four kids ever had a problem, we knew that we could go to Mom or Dad and they would listen—really listen. Not react. Not yell or scream. Not respond with finger-pointing or “I told you so.” They would sit quietly, receive whatever we had to say, and respond calmly, thoughtfully.

This is how I knew I was unconditionally loved.

This is also how I have tried to parent my own children over the years, though, admittedly, I didn’t quite hold to their stellar standard. But I tried, still do, and know that, even in mid-life, I can still grow as a parent. I keep honing my parenting skills. Books can help.

When I was training to become a spiritual director, I discovered one such book. Its subject matter was how to “be present” with people, especially during times of duress: The Art of Being a Healing Presence: A Guide for Those in Caring Relationships by James Miller. I read it because I thought it would be helpful in my “work” of companioning others through difficult times via spiritual direction. What I didn’t realize was that the principles and techniques within would also enhance my parenting.

For example, Miller defines what he means by “being a healing presence”: …the condition of being consciously and compassionately in the present moment with another…believing in and affirming their potential for wholeness, wherever they are in life.”

Upon reading this, I realized that this was precisely what my parents did for me. They were completely present. If I had a need to talk, the television was turned off, the newspaper set aside; I knew beyond a doubt that I had my parents’ undivided attention.

Give Them All You’ve Got

The first step in demonstrating to our children that we love them unconditionally is to be there when they need us; fully attentive, current activities halted, the potential for distraction eliminated. Giving our children our full and present attention is a tremendous gift. It says to them, “I am yours, no matter how long this takes.”

Zip the Lip

A second act of unconditional love is being able to fully listen to another without a personal agenda. We all have a penchant for advice-giving. And, as you may well know from your own parenting experience, advice-giving doesn’t always go well. It can raise another’s hackles in a nanosecond because it sends an unconscious message which says, “I know what’s best for you.” Putting aside our own agenda (keeping our mouth closed might be a better way to say it) enables the speaker to hear themselves speak; to gain clarity and insight on their own as their words emerge.

I don’t recall my parents ever giving me a lot of advice. If anything, I recall them gently asking me, “What do YOU think is right?” “What do YOU think might be a good next step?” They’d patiently wait for my answer and, if one was not forthcoming, like a seasoned coach, they might lay out some options, faithfully holding space for me to find my own way.

Permission to Ponder

A third indicator of their love and support was suggesting that I take all the time I needed to make a decision. They gave me permission to think about things, not jump into something quickly just to “get it handled.” My dad, especially, was a muller, and I seem to have inherited those genes. I usually take my time to figure something out, weigh the options, and “sit with it.” And, most importantly, to listen to my heart.

Acts of Faith

The fourth indicator that I was unconditionally loved was that my parents honored my choices. They had faith that I had common sense; that my conscience would prevail. They trusted that I needed to make my own mistakes and that I would learn from them.

Mistakes Are for Learning

My parents allowed me to fall down and pick myself back up again. And as I did, they were at my side, metaphorically dusting off my dirt-caked knees or helping me bandages bloody scrapes. They never judged or berated me for the choices I made. They lovingly welcomed me back into their embrace and we moved on. They encouraged me to grow from my mistakes.

When it comes right down to it, all our children want from us is to love them, to be there for them, to never give up, even when the terrain gets rough. No one ever said parenting would be a walk in the park. Well-equipped, with a reservoir of unconditional love, the journey can be made more enjoyable. Our ability to be a healing presence to those we love may be all that is required …

As always, I welcome your thoughts ...

~~~~~
Article originally published in Women's LifeStyle, June 2009.


Reference: The Art of Being a Healing Presence: A Guide for Those in Caring Relationships by James E. Miller with Susan C. Cutshall is available from Willowgreen Publishing: www.willowgreen.com.)

Image courtesy of www.current.com