Say It With Kindness - Part II
Say It With Kindness - Part II
Take a Good Look
Eye contact seems to have become a scarce commodity these days. I recall when I visited New York City once, a well-meaning friend offered a piece of advice about staying safe. “Don’t’ look at anyone,” she said. “You’ll be fine.” Well, I took her advice and avoided all eye-contact, looking down at the sidewalk the entire time. I felt as if I was insulating myself from the world, literally, cutting myself off from my fellow human beings. I believed that the most important thing was to keep myself safe, that other people did not matter. They became invisible to me. I hated the whole experience and couldn’t wait to get back to safe little Grand Rapids where people looked at one another and smiled. Or did they? I began to take notice …When we’re engaged in the busyness of everyday life we may be moving so quickly that we do not really see one another. We do not greet each other eye-to-eye. I witness this most often while in the grocery store. The check out person may not even look at me, nor I her, if I do not make a concerted effort to do so. Though we are in close proximity, we are amazingly invisible to one another.
I invite you to slow down, take a good look, and truly see the other. Make eye contact, smile, or acknowledge his or her presence with a genuine ‘Hello.’ An act as simple as this can put us back in touch with the unique presence and well-being of another.
Random Acts of Kindness
Simple gestures speak boldly of kindness. A door held open; a hearty ‘Thank You’ when one is held open for you. Offering up the closer parking space. Randomly putting change in someone’s expired parking meter. Providing the small change someone doesn’t have to pay their grocery bill. The list is endless. Be creative and create a kindness list of your own. Ask yourself, What very simple thing could I do right now to show kindness to this person? Then, do it!
I try to keep myself attuned to acts of kindness by rereading these powerful words by Mother Teresa daily …
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.
Be the living expression of (God’s) kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”
As always, I welcome your thoughts ....
~~~~~
To learn more about the health benefits of kindness or the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation, click here.
(Images courtesy of http://www.firstlovekenya.org and http://students.ou.edu.)
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24 comments:
Hi Jan - yes, so few people look you in the eye .. and it's so essential to communication - you can see if they understand what you're saying, if they're taking in the message you're trying to impart etc etc. We need to keep our eyes, noses and our ears open to things around us - disasters can be avoided.
Helping others - helps us too - brightens our days, cheers us up .. and who knows where it may lead.
Fortunately I learnt the eye contact lesson early in life .. and 'boy' does it make a difference ..
Thanks - a good thing to do at the weekend ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
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Your words ring with wisdom. I find when I make eye contact and smile at someone - they usually smile back.
Since I am by myself most of the time - if I never made eye contact - I would feel even more alone.
Hi Jan,
Kindness is one of those traits that society underestimates. I think kindness is so powerful. To maintain eye contact and to just treat another person as we would like to be treated, truly can do so much.
It is amazing how so many people do not engage in eye contact. Some people get nervous and then there are others who are just so grateful, they open up so easily, as if they were like a flower.
On one level, not making eye contact is an act of hiding your self from the world. They may feel if eye contact is made, it would attract the negativity that is present in the mind.
It doesn't really make one safe to hide, it makes one disconnected to what is true and alive. The notion to feel safe lives in the realm of duality. If one embraces the self fully, then one doesn't reflect or attract negativity. One only then attracts Love and draws love out of other people's shells. Safeness, then is transcended, and all there is left is Love and Living.
i think it's so true... another indication of how outside of awareness we are living... do we even notice one another or are we merely stepping over each other on the way to something else, the next thing and then the next?... so locked up in our fear and our anxiety about one another... what a lovely reminder to look up and out and offer the simplicity of ourselves to one another... in that space we give something far more valuable than merely a moment of acknowledgment or a fleeting second of connection...
Hi Jan - Thank you so much for this post. I grew up in the country in Oklahoma, where everyone waves and smiles. I moved to Dallas Tx at 18, boy was I shocked! No one talks or smiles or even holds doors open. I stay true to my upbringing most times. I was starting to slip recently in my "kindness", the hardest of the city soaking in. That weekend I took a trip to Salt Lake City, people greeted each other, thanked each other and not just a nod, but heart felt mouthing of words and waving of hands. I was so impressed. It made me feel so good. It renewed my spirit of kindness. Whether someone acknowledges my act or not, I feel good doing it. It makes my heart glow. This is a great reminder to keep carrying on. I, especially, love the quote.
Blessings dear lady!
Looking into someone's eyes when they are speaking is so important. It lets them know you are aware, fully present, and paying attention. To be a good listener, you have to have good eyes, as well as good ears.
I look at the eyes when I speak to someone. I look for kindness, compassion, and understanding. I hope I am projecting the same from my eyes too.
Your eyes shine with the love of the Spirit, Jan. I know, I have seen them with the Spirit in my eyes,
it is only through the eye
that we may see the "I" behind it
great post Jan, and the quote from Mother Theresa has embedded down for me, such a seemingly simple thing, but yet so hard
Here in London nobody makes eye-contact. Needless to say it can be an awfully lonely place.
Earlier this week I was at the library and offered to help a woman to send an e-mail she was struggling with. She was so stunned with my random act of kindness that she insisted on buying me coffee and cake at a nearby cafe. Although that was very nice it felt quite sad that people nowadays are so unused to people being helpful to them that they feel the need to reward them for their kindness.
I love Mother Teresa. She is one of my sources of inspiration.
One way I am kind when I am in the grocery store and in line with a cart full of groceries is to allow someone who may be in back of me with just a handful of items to go ahead of me. It always pleases them.
I had an experience recently in which I did not know whether to extend my help to someone or not. I was in a small deli store. A woman was there and ahead of me who had serious health problems and was having an extremely difficult time getting around with a cane. She kept having spasms on top of it all. I wanted to offer her my help in some way. I wanted to open the door for her so that she would have an easier time getting out the door. The door was hard to open. Finally I said, "I would be glad to open the door for you if you like." She was gracious, but she refused my help. She had her pride.
I can relate to that, some people greet you with words but don't look you in the eye. It's just like we're becoming more like robots with a script at hand, told what to say, but not aligned with how we really feel deep inside. As a result, we feel isolated, even in a crowd. May we learn to connect with one another again at the heart level.
Hi Jan,
This reminds me very much of someone I saw just yesterday - someone I haven't seen in a couple of years - and someone who I'd worked closely with on a project at that time. In the course of a busy day, the easy thing would have been to quickly say Hi and tell him I'd catch up with him later - as he's going to be around on a project for a couple of weeks at least. Instead, I stopped, we shook hands - and I looked him in the eyes. So, maybe that's not strange - especially when it's someone you know. It just felt, though, like I was look not just superficially, but deeper. And we had a genuine and heartfelt conversation for several minutes. And it was so good. And so worth the time it took out of my day and his to have that, to reconnnect. and I really feel part of that was how deeply we both looked at that moment...
Hi Jan, I wanted to drop by to say hello. I love the quote by Mother Teresa! She's very influential in my life. I love looking people in their eyes so they may see and feel my sincerity. Unfortunately, that gesture is not always returned in these days.
Hilary,
Appreciate your affirmation and experience of this. Unconditional friendliness, eh? May it prevail! Heartened to hear of your personal kindness, Hilary. Lovely...
One Woman,
It is well worth the risk to be the first to smile, isn't it? Glad you take it!
Nadia,
Love your metaphor of a smile being able to opens someone up like a flower. Simply beautiful! Smile on!
Bernie,
Welcome! So well put. I think the phrase that strikes me most is this: "One only then attracts Love and draws love out of other people's shells." By ignoring any voice that tells us to stay small, safe and isolated we do move into freedom--and grant freedom to others to join us in joy. :-)
Joanne,
Lovingly put. You invite us deeper, outward, to "take the risk" to give of ourselves to others. What a healing journey for us all. (It's nice to have your energy and heart here again. xo)
Angelia,
Welcome! Oh, yes we must carry on. I am so heartened to hear that the hardness of others has not affected you and that you recently experienced a lovely reminder of how important it is to be unconditionally friendly to others. :-)Nice to meet you here.
Julie,
Your eyes shine, too, with truth and love for the Divine and all creation. Shine on! And may we continue to be Presence to one another.
Kel,
Powerful thoughts you share. This particular quote by M. Teresa is potent and does not let me get wimpy about being kind and friendly. Glad it's found a place in your heart too.
Helena,
How sweet that you are open and aware to lend a hand to strangers in this way—esp. if where you live bodes a more closed view. Good for you! Carry on with our blessing. Good works create a happy heart.
Susie Q,
A good samaritan you are. And I am glad that you were wise and sensitive enough to allow this lovely lady to care for herself in her own way and maintain dignity. Beautiful stories...
Oh my how hard it used to be to look someone in the eye. I felt they could see deep into my soul and find that I was lacking, I was not the person they thought I was. Where this thought came from I don't know. A thought that I wasn't good enough.
Now I think differently. I think of how can I make someone's day better, brighter, happier. Complimenting a stranger on their hair, their smile, their clothes, makes them feel better and may just be the spark that turns their day around. You have to look at people, and yes I agree eye to eye, to see what is there. If people would look they might just see fear, pain, uncertainty, hopelessness, that gets masked as anger and hate.... if this is what you see, give away encouragement, hope, love, compassion, kindness... through your eyes , or with a smile, a kind word, or a random act of kindness. . Once you try it, this eye to eye becomes easier. By sowing kindness, you receive such warmth and compassion of spirit; it soars. Kindness, Love, Compassion lead to Hope and Happiness. Wonderful posts my dearest Jan. Thank you. Love and Light, Nina P
I totally agree. I too once went to NY and I looked at people and talked to total strangers and you know what? I was safe! People were wonderful and helpful with directions and advice as where to visit. So sad that people think they have to wear armor in the world (though sometimes it is called for and your intuition will be your guide). People in Taos look at one another and smile we wave to strangers in our cars. That is one of the things I love about this place.
Jan these are such important points you make about the value of human connection. Eye contact validates us. When someone looks into our eyes...we are no longer separate from each other. Our humanness can be witnessed and loneliness, at least for a moment melts away. Thank you as always for sharing your open-hearted wisdom.
Namaste,
Laura
Your post reminds me of a gentleman I knew who was a kind of pillar of small gestures of kindness and respect…
I was eighteen and Edward was probably closing in on fifty - a friend of my father's. I don't know how much of this was just him and how much it was a matter of him being brought up in Cuba, because he happens to be the only Cuban I've known.
In any case, his countless small courtesies were completely genuine and heartfelt. He'd always open doors for you and take any opportunity to put you first - he'd even pull out your chair for you as you were starting to sit down! It all seemed to come very naturally – it didn’t feel stilted or forced and he did it in a way that didn’t make him look at all subservient.
I was eighteen and had never been out of the US, so it was starting to make me uncomfortable - I mean, it seemed like I should be opening doors for him at least half the time to be fair about it, right?
So this one time, we're heading toward a door to a restaurant. He and my dad are engrossed in conversation. As we're nearing the door, I'm thinking "OK, finally, it'll be my turn to open the door…" And just as I'm about to spring forward Edward, still talking to my dad, backs toward the door and opens it for me without even interrupting their conversation, lol!
After that I just gave up and relaxed. He was completely comfortable with it so I decided I could be too.
Hi Jan! Beautiful and wise - you ARE awesome! This post reminds us that to look someone in the eyes is to acknowledge their being. Interesting in so many of the comments, people said how lonely it feels without that simple eye contact. So true! We NEED to be seen to acknowledge our existence. I cannot believe anyone on this planet can survive long, or well, with this basic need being met.
Everyone deserves to have their existence acknowledged and that is the gift we give others by looking at them - of course the smile is a bonus! - but at the very least, see them, eh?
I love that picture! I do always look people in the eye - if I can. Sometimes people just don't want to do it - and I wouldn't want to intimidate them. I think one of the greatest things you can give a new acquaintance is to listen - I reckon all of us, what we really want is 'to be heard'. People want that feeling of 'yes, I get what you are saying - and you matter'.
Joyce (I Take Off the Mask),
Welcoem! I agree with you that a massive depersonalization seems to be taking place right now. Yes, let's renew our vow to connect with one another eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart.
Lance,
Love your story! How wonderful that you listened to your heart and made that important reconnection with your friend. I can imagine how good that felt.
Annie,
You describe this very well. It is as if we are wearing armor. May we remove it and risk to open ourselves to others with hospitality hospitality--as you say people do in Taos. Wonderful! (You do live in a very magical place...)
Laura,
You say it so well, inviting us to affirm and validate one another with our eyes, our smiles. So lovely...
Paul,
Another wonderful story! It is obvious that this man had EMBODIED hospitality and courtesy toward others. It was his second nature--or would it be first nature--his essence (LOL). I love that notion...
SuZen,
Ditto! Perhaps after this post and all the wonderful comments here, we will really rethink how it is we relate to one another. May we affirm and bless one another by our presence!
Stoneweaver,
I agree with you that a very basic need of a human is to be heard. To know that what they say matters. Not being heard (or recognized) is very harmful to one's well-being. May we have watchful eyes and listening hearts!
My granddaughters laugh because I'm always talking to strangers. It's just my nature. On my daily walks, I smile at every person I see, even those who don't look back at me. In a youth faith program, the theme of the evening was "The Christ in me salutes the Christ in you." When I look at people and acknowledge them, I'm inwardly saying this. As I got into yoga, I learned that Namaste is the same concept, seeing and acknowledging the Divine in each of us.
So true. I do my best to connect with people on a regular basis, but there are times when I'm insulated and choose not to engage.
One of the things I'll do if I encounter a service person who seems harried and stressed is greet them with a smile and a "Busy day?" They will always pause, take a breath, often smile and respond with a heartfelt "Yes!". I believe it helps to humanize them and to acknowledge that they're working hard and doing their best to be efficient and helpful.
Blessings,
Carolynn
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