Thanks for the Memories
In the U.S., Thanksgiving approaches. This holiday was a very big deal in my family of origin, a true celebration of life and love. These days I find myself reminiscing a lot about holidays past. Perhaps that’s what happens when you cross beyond midlife—the past seems more prominent as the final quarter of your life closes in.
The holiday season, for many of us, can present a cornucopia of memories to feast upon; a smorgasbord of grand proportions, from delightful to downright awful, depending on your family of origin. Today, more than ever, I realize that the special events of my childhood, especially holiday gatherings, molded and shaped me into the woman I am today. I’m sure the same may hold true for you.
As this holiday (or any holiday, for that matter) approaches, I invite you to take a journey back in time and spend a few minutes with your holiday memories. What do you recall? What warms your heart, inviting you to deeper appreciation of the people and events of your life? How did they form you into the person you are today?
On the other hand, for the purposes of healing, you may want to consider whom and what causes your heart to ache when you reflect upon a holiday past. What hurt is still there? How did those individuals and events contribute to your values and life choices?
Taking time to reflect upon our holiday memories allows us to sort the wheat from the chaff. We can discern the meaningful elements that we’d like to hold onto, then fashion them into memorable, new traditions for ourself and our loved ones. It also enables us to determine what less-than-desirable elements we’d like to let go of, even forgive, and do things differently. Our holiday memories helped mold us, but because we are creatures of free will, of conscious choice, we can literally reshape ourselves and our lives anytime we want.
Here’s a sample from my own reflective process and where it has taken me in creating holidays with warmth and meaning:
One of my fondest holiday memories is “The Arrival.” Waiting for every family member—aunts, uncles, and cousins—to walk through the door with their special offering. Aunt Lois’ mince pie, Grandma D’s fruit salad, Grandma M’s stuffing. Having everyone contribute their unique specialty to the feast made it utterly delightful, and truly something to look forward to. It also prevented undue stress on one person having to prepare so many dishes. Today, because simplicity is the foundation of my life, I encourage each person to bring a sampling of food they love. And I welcome each person’s gift to our holiday table!
Hospitality is something I deeply value today because I always felt so welcome at my grandmother's homes in the past.
How about you?
What holiday memory comes to mind and how did it shape you?
(Images courtesy of countryliving.com and hotbeautyhealth.com)
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16 comments:
Singing. We used to sing around the Christmas tree as young children. Sorry, our thanksgiving is past (early october), so I'll just move on to Christmas.
As a teenager I became shy and thought it was silly, so stopped. But when my own children were young, I revived the singing tradition and Christmas eve we'd sit under the tree, children in their pajamas, excited and happy, and sing Christmas carols.
For me, I had always enjoyed my Christmas. I listened to Alvin and the Chipmunks' Christmas songs and I still listen to them Christmas after Christmas. And I also remember going to Christmas parties organized by the company my mother is working for and receiving Christmas presents. We would also have Christmas dinner with the whole family. All these had given me very fond memories and that is why I still like Christmas so much.
One of my favorite Christmas memories is more recent. For several years, my husband and I took our daughters' to Manhattan for a December day, always seeing The Radio City Christmas Show. What a performance, filled with all the glitz and glamour of a NYC Christmas, then always bringing us to tears at the closing. It's like the show takes you on a wonderful exciting holiday journey, then closes with the most amazing Living Nativity I've ever seen, with camels and livestock and Holy Family on stage in a way that only New York can do, bringing us right back to the origins of Christmas.
Christmas, before our grandmother died back in 1976, was my main experience of being part of an extended family – and to this day has probably remained so for all or most of my cousins, uncles and aunts on my mom's side. My sister and I were especially lucky because we lived right across the hall from our grandma, in the same house. So at the Christmas gathering, both our side and my grandma's became one home.
My grandmother was the closest thing to "a saint" in my family. Everyone loved and respected her, even those of my cousins who were going through their adolescent rebellion phases. I literally can’t recall anybody, adult or child, ever saying a word against her. If any of us cousins had ever “wised off,” the rest of us would have been shocked! Peer pressure as well as love and respect totally fell on the side of “Memere Eva,” who was an uncommonly unifying force. She was so low-key that she was always in the background and yet she was the center of our lives as a family.
Hi Jan,
My parents immigrated to America many years ago and I was the first in my family to be born here. Having that kind of heritage makes Thanksgiving extra special because you realize how awesome it is to be in a country where so many people from all over the world can come and make their dreams come true. It is truly a nation of immigrants.
I think the historical significance of the holiday is often overlooked and has been replaced with the focus on family. The focus of family is important but it is also important to realize that everyone on this planet is your family too.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I have a limited number of warm fuzzy memories - there are a few, those moments just didn't dominate my upbringing. I've essentially started from scratch and have established my own traditions.
Wendy,
Wonderful! I think singing is becoming one of those lost traditions, right along with letter writing. I, too, had a family that sang. My grandmother had a piano in the parlor and we always sang Christmas carols after our big dinner, but before presents. It was very meaningful.
BK,
Welcome. Alvin!!!!, I can hear the song now. :-) Aren't the Chipmunks one of those great Christmas mainstays? Your memories are precious. May you hold them close to your heart.
Joanne,
Sounds like a dream come true! I'd have loved to tag along with you. The performance sounds simply amazing and what a perfect memory for you all to savor in years to come.
Paul,
Beautiful memories of family and your dearest one. Isn't it amazing how one person acts as the glue which keeps the family together—and on an integrous path? I would have liked to have known your grandmother...
All my wonderful holidays began with hubs and more so when we added the kids. No drama, just joy. Since our family is just the four of us, we've had years of taking in "strays" and sometimes we four served meals in the homeless shelter - those have been precious!
Carolynn,
How lovely that you can create your own traditions from scratch, choosing what really serves your heart.
SuZen,
Your philanthropic holidays sound marvelous. What a wonderful legacy to leave to your children—service, giving from the heart. :-)
It's kind of funny that I'd think of the clean up and doing the dishes, (my Mom always said she didn't need an electric dishwasher...she already had 6) but it was a time to actually relax and talk a bit. Regardless of who did each task. We gather round in the kitchen and talk about the food, the dinner, family, etc... laughing and joking and helping each other. The dinner's are always delicious and the dinner conversations and people warm and wonderful, but the after meal "kitchen clutch" just seems to be... well... special. Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Love and Light, Nina P
My fondest memories of holidays are usually connected to my Scottish immigrant grandparents, who opened their home to neighbors and old friends as well as family. After dinner, the women would all gather with tea or coffee around the dining table, and I remember feeling "initiated" into womanhood when I was allowed to sit and talk with them after a meal.
This is funny and wonderful I think. My Aunt BeBe (My great aunt, grandmother's sister) was very kind, spiritual woman, also penny wise. Every year at Pesach (Passover) she would offer to share her tea bag with everyone who wanted it...she claimed there was plenty of tea left for several cups!!!! So we all loved her so much (my daughter Belin was named in honor of her memory)...when each of my sisters and cousins and even sister-in-law got married, we passed on a tea bag in a tiny box with a bit of dust in it...and called it the heirloom tea bag...I don't know what happened to that dusty tea bag, but to this day at Pesach, BeBe still at the table with us when we have our tea after the Seder meal!
I don't have many fond memories of holidays as a child. However, I relish the memories of the early mornings I was alone with my Great Aunt Kate to help her with Thanksgiving dinner. We talked about everything as we went about our work. I learned about cooking, but more importantly I learned to be grateful for those loving moments.
My husband and I vowed early on, before we had children, to make our holidays together joyful. I have 33 wonderful years of memories and many more to come.
Hi Jan .. Thanksgiving is a wonderful American traditional holiday .. we had Guy Fawkes and Bonfire Night, then Christmas .. all the preparations, carol services, all the helping out and sharing the chores - so important so someone can relax.
When my mother owned a Care Home and we cooked for 50+ (inlcuding Meals on Wheels) .. we'd have plenty of smoked salmon, sald pieces and loads of champers .. and any left overs we felt like - ie we just chilled out, after that lunch preparation, cooking etc
Christmas is great - Midnight mass with masses of candles in a tiny Church with walls painted by the Bloomsbury Group .. fantastic start to the few days break ..
Hi Jan,
I think your suggestion to look back on holidays past and reflect on the wonderful as well as awful ones. I've had my share of both. Certainly I don't want to recreate those bad experiences or show up with a chip on my shoulder or a dent in my heart. I want to enhance the great memories with current traditions such as hospitality, intimate conversations and merriment. Food for thought, as usual, Jan. I absolutely love reading your blog for all the insight I gain from you!
Nadia,
I appreciate your perspective on this. Your immigrant roots attune you to the world family which is, of course, what we can all all focus on, every day of the year- not just at holiday times...Lovely. Thank you!
Nina,
The picture you paint of love and laughter in the kitchen after the meal is divine. You were very blessed...(Oh, did the men help too? Ours never did. They retired to the couch to watch football. A source of irritation for me during some years, I admit.)
Cindy,
This time you describe does sound marvelous and oh, so welcoming. I love how you describe feeling initiated into a community of women. :-)
Laura,
Another beautiful, powerful testimony to family and traditions. This would seem like such a simple thing to share a tea bag, but a magical tea bag it was, eh? Amazing how a ritual like this can become a legacy of love. I'd love to sit in on one of your Seder meals (if I'd be allowed :-)
Sharon,
I am glad that you have at least one significant recollection from childhood of a holiday moment. The time with your aunt sounds wonderful. Lovely to hear that you and your husband have created meaningful ones for your brood over the years. Yes, here's to many more!
Hilary,
Your traditions sound beautiful, exotic, and light-filled. I'd love to come to England to experience them someday. You and your mother's experience of creating meals for others is such a gift. Blessings on the both of you and your generous hearts.
Jodi,
Thank you for the kind comments. I do hope that you (and everyone here) can sift and sort through the memories. Let go of what no longer suits. Craft new rituals with meaning. Then pass those on and let the next generation figure out their own.
One of our family traditions was to have a big Chinese meal on Christmas Eve. Not sure how this started, but we've been doing it for over 50 years now. Though my siblings and I are spread far apart, we all gather with our own families and "do Chinese" together across the miles. :-)
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